I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
