i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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