I heard we made out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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