glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
