why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
