Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
