Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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