At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
