Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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