playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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