I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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