why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
