I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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