my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
