somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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