Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
