Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
