you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
