I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
