I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
