So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
