Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
