I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
