i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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