There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
