Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
