I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
