why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
