I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
