how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
