Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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