So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
