finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
