Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
