Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
