Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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