I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
