I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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