Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Still dying that you shit outside
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
