i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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