I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
