i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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