you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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