so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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