i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
