I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
