I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
