Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
