I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
