im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
